While gathering with your closest and dearest around the holiday meal, here are some suggestions on what you can do to keep things as chill as possible between you and your loved ones.
What a crazy decade this has been, marked by tumultuous events like COVID, government shutdowns, elections, and crime, leaving many people anxious and uncertain. As we navigate this chaotic landscape, our families and friends struggle to find common ground and effective solutions to restore balance in our lives and communities. Virtually everyone I speak to seems to be problem-solving about the best remedy to correct the chaos and imbalance we seem to be experiencing.
- Be prepared
- Ask for Help, Don’t Do It On Your Own
- Don’t Be Drawn Into An Argument
- Go Easy on the Alcohol and Drugs
- Non-Controversial Activities
- Don’t Try to Make a Point and Look for Opportunities
Be prepared. Did you know the definition of “hosting” has changed over time? Older and younger individuals have contrasting views on hosting; younger people often associate it with online events or websites, while older individuals think of entertaining guests at home. Both types of hosting demand planning, time, and effort, no doubt, but when people come into our homes, we are inviting a more intimate connection and allowing vulnerability by letting others see us in our space. In our homes, giving our time and effort to make it comfortable and welcoming is an important first step for the holidays.
Ask for help. Don’t do it on your own. Gone are the days when hosts were expected to cover every detail of a holiday gathering. Responsibilities for the food and activities can be delegated to the coming guests. Recognizing that a tense frame of mind for the host can make everyone attending feel on edge, most people don’t mind being asked to help in this way. A few extra side dishes or suggested activities provided by others can certainly lessen the stress and everyone feels like they have contributed to the festivities.
Don’t be drawn into an argument. Whether it is politics or a family history of past offenses, try not to be pulled into a debate about these weighty issues. This is simply not the time. Do your very best to keep topics light-hearted and pleasant. Talk about good memories together that bolster your love for one another.
If someone at the gathering particularly gets on your nerves, think ahead and plan your escape routes. Go to the bathroom, say you need some fresh air, or you have a task in the next room that needs your attention.
These are safer activities than trying to make a point with someone who has already made up their mind on any given subject and will not be easily persuaded by another point of view. If all else fails and you know you will be pressed to take a stand, excuse yourself, thank the host, and make your way home or if you are the host, let the offending party know it is time for them to go.
Go easy on alcohol and/or marijuana. The myth we all tend to believe is that alcohol (and nowadays) THC in one form or fashion will lighten everyone’s mood and make the festivities merrier. The truth is the opposite. Often intoxicating substances can create an environment where things said and done are later deeply regretted. If you know someone in the household who has a problem with alcohol and/or drugs consider banning them altogether. If you are going to serve, err on the side of “not enough” as opposed to “too much.”
Plan activities that are non-controversial. In our society today, people can and do get outraged just about everything so finding activities that don’t invite controversy can be a challenge—however, it can be done! Board games, playing cards, walking in the neighborhood, being outside, watching movies and sports can all be great ways to spend time together. Someone in the crowd may still feel compelled to make remarks or point out flaws in any activity, but that has always been a part of getting together. Not everyone is happy all the time about everything. So don’t be surprised when things don’t go perfectly. Set your expectations appropriately.
It is not the time to make a point. Most families are pretty spread out these days. We have one son in Seattle, Washington and one son in Washington, D.C.! When it comes to adult children, even if they live close by, work, kids, and other responsibilities can make our time together precious. Human beings are drawn to places that make them feel loved, accepted, and as if they belong. If you want to have a happy and peaceful holiday with your family this is NOT the time to bring up your worries and concerns about your family member’s habits, lifestyle choices, and romantic partners.
Look for, don’t force, opportunities for deeper conversation. There may be times to bring up more intimate topics, but let your family member be the one to bring it up. Don’t pressure them into deep dialogue about the choices they are making or the values they may have. Only offer advice when it is directly asked for because in that way your family member has signaled they are open to hearing what you have to say. Remember dialogue is a two-way street, so make sure you are ready to listen as well.