Small Kindnesses

Counselors are often approached and asked, “What can I do to improve my family life?” or “How can I improve my relationship with others?” It’s an important question with many answers. A simple practice that can enrich your life is to start with what I call “small kindnesses.”

How do you define small kindnesses? I define it as an action that one takes to make someone else’s day better. Sounds pretty simple, right? But for some people, being kind to another almost always has to be driven by some kind of motivation. What is in it for me? If I choose to perform a kindness, what will I get back as a result? The kind of kindness I’m talking about has to come from a place where there is no expectation of a reward. In order for it to have any power to generate goodness in our relationships with others, it must be, to a degree, self-sacrificial.

I suppose if you truly distill down why anyone does anything for anyone else, you will find some self-serving motivation at the bottom of it. After all, we are human beings and in regards to survival, it is important that we cooperate with one another. However setting that aside, what is the importance of engaging in small kindnesses with our loved ones, co-workers and friends? More broadly speaking, what would showing kindness mean for the strangers we encounter as well?

There are many stories of people who have literally laid down their lives for another, but I’m not necessarily talking about that. I’m talking about the day-to-day improvement of our lives with our fellow travelers–the people we interact with on a daily basis. So how do we start?

Although there are many more “small kindnesses” to speak of, let’s focus on just five of them. Start here and see where it takes you. This is particularly true for you if, as you read this article you think, “I didn’t grow up this way.”

  • Say “Please” and “Thank you.”
  • Write Handwritten Notes.
  • Compliment don’t complain.
  • Say I’m sorry.
  • Do something when it is within your power to do so.

Saying please and thank you at all times is a wonderful habit to have. It should be second nature when asking or after receiving something. Your emails and conversations—any communication you have—should be liberally peppered with these two words. “Please” by definition shows another person that you respect them and are asking permission rather than demanding what you want or need. “Thank you” communicates you understand that what has transpired has been as a result of cooperation and that there has been an exchange that has been beneficial to you both. When you speak this way to those closest to you, it indicates you truly care about them and believe they are worthy of both care and respect. If you don’t tend to use these words, it can render communication void of respect and, in turn, the other person may not feel as valued. Relationships where we can reinforce our care and respect for one another are often relationships that grow stronger over time.

There is tremendous value in taking time to write handwritten notes to your friends, co-workers, and loved ones. It only takes a few minutes, but it is something that the receiving party will have an opportunity to reflect on especially when you are letting them know how great you think they are! A timely note can cement a relationship like few other things can and it is something that is within all our power to do. Don’t worry about your handwriting or if you are using the exact right words. If you want to let someone know how proud you are of them, what a great job they have done, or how much they mean to you, a few misspelled words and messy handwriting will be of no consequence. Text messages can do the same thing—however, I would argue, sending a note is more impactful and fun! We all need more fun in our lives and it is something the receiving party can hold on to and cherish.

Along those same lines…catch people doing something good! We often are quick to point out when someone gets it wrong. However, if you want to grow and strengthen your relationships, find a way to compliment rather than criticize or complain. One ill-timed criticism can do a lot of damage. I speak from experience. On a day at work when things were not going particularly well for me, something went wrong with a misplaced file. I was quick to criticize a person over the missing file. She did not believe that the criticism was warranted and looking back, I realize I could have handled the situation better. Unfortunately, the damage was done. Although that happened several months ago, I can tell when I speak with this person they still are a bit stung by our past interaction. They are not as open as they once were. It can take a long time for people to trust you and just a moment to lose that trust when we are careless with criticisms.

Be quick to say, “I’m sorry” or ask for forgiveness when you do or say something wrong. Don’t hold on to it. Be a person who is ready to apologize if need be. For some people choosing not to apologize is a power play. By not admitting fault, they feel like it puts them in a superior position over another and maintains the balance of power in their favor. The truth is that this rarely works in maintaining relationships on the long term. We all mess up from time to time and when we do it’s important to figure out how to make things right. In arguably one of the most important prayers Jesus ever taught His followers, He said, “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” Trespassing means we are somewhere we should not be! When we get into a position where we have hurt someone else, an apology is the best way to get us back on our side of the fence!

A small kindness is something we should choose to do when it is within our power to do so. Hold open a door, put your grocery cart back, microwave a bowl of popcorn and take it to your partner when they have to work late, help someone carry a box, volunteer to move a couch, etc. Pay attention to the ways in which you can improve the life of someone in your orbit by the smallest of gestures on your part. Stranger or close friend, if we all purposefully made small kindnesses a way of life, the world around us will become a brighter, better place to live in. God bless you as you draw together with friends and family this Holiday Season!

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