Nobody likes a difficult or harsh conversation especially one that turns into a yelling match. Please read below for some tips to take the rage out of any interaction with a volatile person.
The young man stood across the room, every inch of his body exuding rage. Refusing to sit down, he was being forced into a conversation he didn’t want to have. As he screamed at everyone in the room, I was amazed that he felt he could talk like this to his mother, the police, and the staff. Expletives poured out of his mouth as he adamantly declared that no one could tell him what to do.
Believe it or not, during my 15 years working at a high school, these kinds of experiences have not been unusual, and the school staff has learned how to deal with them as constructively as possible.
Have you ever been in a confrontation with a loved one or close family member that descended into profanity, screaming, and name-calling? It is disheartening and can be frightening for all involved. However, these kinds of outbursts are not uncommon in families. Depending on your family culture, loud and explosive communication may be a way of life. When we live in close contact with others, the opportunity for disagreements and fractured communication is a real possibility and occurs more frequently than most people realize.
There are things you can do to de-escalate the situation when you find yourself in a heated argument that can bring down the temperature and perhaps achieve some constructive conversation.
Don’t raise your voice. If you escalate, the situation will likely escalate as well. Try to keep your voice even and low. Through years of working with volatile people, I have learned that the best way to completely lose control of a situation is to match the volume and venom of the angry person. If you refuse to meet their decibel level, it may take a few minutes, but generally, the intensity of the conversation should diminish.
Watch your language. Avoid saying things that you know will be inflammatory. We all know how to push each other’s buttons. If you are aware that certain words or phrases will provoke a strong reaction, do your best to avoid them.
Have backup. If you anticipate a difficult conversation, try to have a third party present. At the very least, this person serves as an observer, but more importantly, their presence may remind the angry individual that their actions are being witnessed. The observer is an unknown variable, which may introduce a level of self-awareness that helps prevent out-of-control behavior or words.
Have a plan for the conversation. This is not the time to improvise or make careless statements that distract from the issue at hand. Think through your goals for the resolution of the difficulties you are having and try to stay on track.
Avoid bringing up a laundry list of past problems. If you must have a difficult conversation, keep it specific and focused on behaviors. Clearly express your concerns with statements such as, “When you do ___________ , I need you to ____________ instead.” Avoid emotional language that introduces guilt, shame, or other negative emotions, as these often lead to increased anger and a sense of manipulation. Try to focus on behaviors, not feelings.
Agree to a time-out if emotions are running too high. Sometimes, a break is necessary before productive discussions can occur. Not everything has to be resolved immediately. A well-planned pause can allow everyone to cool down before addressing problems and expectations.
The young man I mentioned at the beginning of this discussion eventually calmed down and later became remorseful. Twenty-four hours later, he was able to have a constructive conversation with his mother, and they worked through some of their issues. Not every difficult conversation has a happy ending, but utilizing the suggestions above may prevent problems from escalating further and becoming unsolvable.